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Jan. 20th, 2013

my birthday is in 3 days!

nothing is ever on tv on the weekends. one of the many reasons i've never been a huge fan of the weekends.

my nail clippers are downstairs and i was too lazy to get them but one of my nails broke so i have to shorten all the others, i ripped my thumb nail and it's now wayy too short, like going into the nail bed. guess i'm going to have to go get the clippers.

i have so many chores to take care of today, because i put them off on friday/yesterday. really need to get rid of some clothes. i have so many things that don't fit/i don't wear but i'm a hoarder. oh well.

maybe i'll finally get my shit together in the next few months.

there is a tentative plan, for early spring!

me, brett, and bean are going to try to find a house to rent!

everyone is surprisingly on board with all of this, and i'm pretty excited.

going to look in garden city since everyone is leaving/losing their houses, but will also look in westland.

obviously i need a job and to save some money up and get through some things before we do all this (and so does brett, hence the timeline) but i wish there was more i could be doing to kind of prepare/research/something but it's all very time-sensitive.

had a very long talk with jill on skype last night. i miss talking to her more often, but it seems like kansas is going fine still so that's good for her. we talked a lot about weirdness of moving in with an s.o. i think brett thinks that moving in together means i'll want to spend every single second with him and he'll get no free time.

but actually i think the opposite will happen. i mean, i love spending time with him and might even verge on clingy sometimes but i believe it's mostly because we don't have a lot of windows of overlapping time. once we can feasibly spend every second together, we don't want to. it'll be nice.

aaaaaaaah enough about that for now. roseanne's on and i'm going to find a little something to eat.

bye.

Jan. 11th, 2013

2013?!

SO it's a new year and livejournal looks different now and the font i'm typing in is definitely a different one than i'm used to.

i feel bad for this journal. i always say i'm going to START SOMETHING so that i'll be less lazy and use things and update things and save for posterity, but then i just don't.

and then i look at facebook pictures and realize i'm missing pictures of things i'll really want to see again.

there are only like 10 pictures of me and brett that exist to chronicle 3+ years, and the most recent one is more than 6 months old.

oh well.

and as far as all that's concerned, i guess things are resolved and good now.

if we weren't both broke, we'd probably have a shitty but amazing apartment covered in books. and cats.

in other news: i hate ulta, forever.

if i did that right, i made some red.

i quit ulta when i got back from japan (i went to japan in nov, did i mention that?) and went back to macy's, yay. because my manager is horrible, i had to come back as seasonal help, presumably because it was november. even though i'd been calling her since september. and only left in august!

so then i was back, and it was okay. i busted ass for usually more than 40 hrs/week and wasn't making commission and was making minimum wage but my checks were alright and i was told there'd be a real job for me when it was all over so i didn't mind too much.

cut to the other day, and i'm fired. or.. laid off. whatever they call that. with no warning, and no explanation.

my manager won't return my calls and now i'm out of a job with no prospects and kind of a bad resume.

i have been job hunting all week, sending out my shitty resume and filling out all kinds of apps and i have only heard from a few companies via careerbuilder. i scheduled an interview with one, and THEN started looking them up (duh) and anyway it's a scammy door to door sales thing. so i'm not going.

the only reason i got the macy's interview in the first place almost 2 years ago is because they'll pretty much interview anyone and i must be better in person than i am on paper.

at least i got a few checks for graduation that i have saved up. my loan payments, small though they may be, will start being due in two months.

i want to be a grown-up with a real job that makes real money :(

or just say "fuck it" and go to china.. which i'm thinking i may have to postpone another year or so, which will be disappointing to my friend who pretends she wants to come with me (although she refuses to get her shit together and send me things to send to employers).

blah.

brett wrote a record rewind of "playing the angel", my favorite depeche mode album and now i can't stop listening to it, or them, which is not the worst thing ever.

i love martin's voice.

i think that's about enough for now, maybe i'll actually keep up with it for a bit.

my birthday is in 12 days :o

Aug. 23rd, 2012

second-to-last day at macy's

tomorrow will be my last day at macy's and it will be totally weird.

i have to find some money, my discount runs out tomorrow and i have macy's money to use still! which for me, has added up to $9 of credit, but the "money" amount can't be more than half of the amount of the item you're buying.. blah.

maybe i'll get another betsey johnson wallet. cause that's a thing i need.

after however long, weeks of freaking out, i think i'm finally starting to be okay with whatever's happening with me and brett .. for now.

we've spent a few evenings together as friends and we've had fun, for the most part. the first time, it was like .. he's glued to the phone texting carrie and seems like he can't wait to leave, keeps asking me if i'm okay every time there's a silence, blah..

the other times have been much better, though.

but there's something weird happening with him, and i'm not sure how to handle it/what to make of it.

or at least i think there is.

he kept telling me how cute i looked yerterday.. but he also told me previously that we can't have anything physical because of carrie.. but if that's the only reason, i don't know, it seems like i can push it but i don't want him to blow up/feel bad about it either..

it just seems silly to me to not do something you really want to do because of something that's a potential problem somewhere else/in the future.

i tried pitching that once, but it didn't really go over.. why be unhappy now with me indefinitely while waiting for something in the hypothetical future? i want him, he wants me. ugh. i hate feeling like i have to consider another girl's feelings..

i don't know, but the point is i'm less of a mess now!

i wish i had more daytime friends, so i could wear the last of my summery clothes.

i feel like i haven't done a damn thing all summer. i haven't gone to any parks, haven't gone swimming, haven't road-tripped anywhere.. i did go to kansas in may, but we stayed in a lot and it was really hot/an adjustment because i wasn't ready for summer yet haha

and now it's almost september. people are going to be going back to school, and i don't know how to not be one of them! so weird. i can't wait for my new job to start.. i need something fun and exciting to happen.

me and jessica are definitely looking for jobs for next year but everytime we get together we hit dead ends and get tired. i don't really know what we're doing, but there are certainnly options.

blah. what am i doing? haha




.... the answer is, watching felicity.

Aug. 14th, 2012

argh

so, surprise surprise i'm unhappy because of whatever with brett.

and maybe it's not entirely what's happening with him.

but that everything still feels unclear, that i want more out of him than he wants out of me, that i feel like he chose someone else over me; sure, but also he's the only person who's put up with me and really seems to enjoy being around me.

well, enjoyed.

i'm thinking since it's been a week and we've (hopefully) had enough time to think (i know i have) we can sit down and have the last of the horrible, soul-crushing conversations for a while..

i went over his place to watch breaking bad because he said "please come".

the entire time i was there, he was texting carrie. i didn't snoop, but i noticed. at one point i asked him who he was talking to and he said something about facebook comments.

we're not supposed to be hiding things from each other, i thought.

i officially graduated yesterday, i guess.

wayne state told me so.

my friend from school, jessica, came over yesterday and we looked through some teaching opportunities in china.

we might need to get some kind of certification in order to get a good job. tough to say.

the way things are going in my life right now, though, i wish we were going now instead of next year.

i told brett he should just want to be in a relationship with me until i leave, but he didn't really think that was a good idea.

just sucks that we still kind of like each other and have to be unhappy.

Aug. 9th, 2012

more job ranting

okay so i called the lady from ulta and she never answered but i asked her via message if she could e-mail me a formal job offer so it would be in writing the hours and the pay etc.

and she hasn't called me back!

and i need to give my two weeks notice asap but i want to know i'll be covered before i do!

am i crazy for thinking i might reconsider if i don't hear from her in the next two days/she doesn't agree to e-mail me something official?!

i wish i had just gotten fired from macy's so i wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit.

also i finally told my dad that i finished school, and he seriously couldn't appear to care any less.

i know i was probably an accident or perhaps a horrible ploy to make my dad's brother (now my stepdad) jealous by my mom or something but after all these years you'd think my dad would maybe learn to like me a little..

but instead, i'm just a huge burden to him. i'll bet he's going to ask me when i plan on moving out now.

i'm supposed to ask him to come to dinner with my mom and bean, but i don't even know if i care to now.

and that's another thing.

my mom said on the phone to me yesterday that i have to be nice to bean, because he's going to be sharing the spotlight with me..

for finishing one year of a photography class at a vocational school.

he dropped out of high school and hasn't begun working on a GED and probably won't be bothered to do that.

then she says, that if he gets a GED OR finishes another year of this photography class that she's going to throw him a big party like she did for me when i graduated from high school.

um.

maybe i wasn't the best student in college and it took me a little while to adjust/find my place, but once i did, i did put a lot of work into it and i guess i just feel like five years of effort doesn't really compare to one year of six hours' a week of photography.

i've been a student since i was 5, and he gave up at about 13?

i hate whining about things not being fair, but it's not fair.

i'm getting a couple of nice things from my mom for graduating, and i will be happy to get them, but it just sucks that she's not really proud of me and she is proud of bean who basically doesn't do anything.

my friends don't care, either. i'm trying to organize a little get-together with approx. 10 friends and i'm getting nowhere. i don't even think 10 people give a shit enough to be bothered.

if i were brett, i would hate me too. i put so much pressure on him to be all the things for me that no one else is.

so of course i expect him to be happy for me about graduating, and all he says are jokes about getting a job..

i'm having such a hard time about this job thing, and he doesn't care about that, either.

he's just one more person i'm an annoying burden to. i wish i could remind him that i'm not always crazy, i'm not always clingy and insecure, and that i'm great for him and that he loves me.

but, alas.

and yes, he did cancel our plans. i have no idea what i'm going to do tonight, besides continue to be frustrated and cry.

i guess the worst part, is that i have a lot to be happy about right now, objectively, but i can't.

i finished UK skins, and now i don't know what to do with myself.

8912

well, alright.

i have had to push all of my emotional unraveling deep into myself because i had a job interview yesterday.

the plan was to get the job, work part time, keep the macy's job, be a little stressed, and then maybe after christmas go over to ulta only.

well, i had the interview, got the job, and because these stores are competitors i can't work for both of them.

i accepted the ulta job, although i could still change my mind today, probably.

i don't want to leave macy's right now, though.

i'm having my own internal conflict of interest because i really don't know what to do.

the facts are these:

i was told by ulta that i should get a minimum of 20 hours and can pick up extra cashier-ing shifts.

at macy's, i'm usually averaging the lower end of my 12-20 title. and i can't pick up any extra most of the time.

if i go to ulta, they'll bump me to $9.50/hr, and i'm making $8.10 now.

working for macy's, though, gets me commission. this ulta job is not commissioned.

but the way they have been scheduling me anyway, the commission doesn't really add up until gifts of christmas.

which, we are approaching.

estee lauder is about to have a gift with purchase starting in september and i would have to give my two weeks tomorrow.

not to mention the fact that, that leaves my counter with only two people to do all of gift, and even three is a stretch..

i don't really know anyone who has ever worked for ulta before, and i guess i don't know if it will be better.

the store i will be working at hasn't opened yet and i know there will be lots of training and stuff which i'm assuming we'll be paid for, and so that'll be good..

but i just feel so bad leaving my job at such an inconvenient time.

i asked the interviewer if i stay at macy's until gift is over, can i still reapply?

and i mean, she said that i could, but they are looking to get everything taken care of before the store opens.

BLAH!

and now back to the brett thing.

but only in this sense:

he claims he wants to be/remain best friends regardless of whatever.

but he basically won't talk to me.

right now, i really need a friend and a best friend is not someone who would just say "good for you, are you excited?" and when i say "no", brush it off.

we made tentative plans earlier in the week to maybe see each other today, but i wouldn't be surprised if he bailed.

Aug. 6th, 2012

301 am: can't sleep

yeah, so i officially got dumped tonight.

who didn't see that coming?

he wants to maintain our friendship.

i just want to go back to what we used to have.

he promises to reconsider, think things over.

i will be a mess in the meantime, regardless.

i hate that i feel this way.

Aug. 4th, 2012

ugh

so, i should be sitting here with hair dye on my head but it's too hot in the house to do that and i guess i don't really care what i look like.

on that note, though, i actually do! i went bra shopping and all my normal sizes didn't fit. and i only mean in inches around .... so frustrating.

brett and i had another conversation the other day. he was talking about being in a bad mood all day, so i decided to take him out to dinner and try and be super charming.

it kind of worked, but of course we end up on depressing conversation.

i don't even know where i stand with him anymore. i feel like our communication has been okay lately, but not .. deep enough? or something.

in any case, he asked me what i would do if i found someone who was way more perfect for me than he is.

of course, i don't have an answer.. i'd never really thought about it.

turns out, he asks me this because that's what he's found with his friend in new york.

i have to say, i'm in a really strange place about this. it's like, is he settling for me here just because he can't be with who he'd prefer to be with?

well, he doesn't know, and won't really until he get to go back.

he wants to go back one weekend before christmas.

then, he'll be able to have the best time ever with his soulmate and he'll forget all about me.

we have discussed it and think it'd be impossible for us not to remain super close friends, if not best, even if we weren't in any kind of a relationship but it's just so hard to visualize now.

like, the more he chats her up and becomes enamored with her because she's so great or because she's new the less he'll need me.

the sad thing is, for a long time i was convinced that he liked me way more than i did him, and that he needed me way more than i did him.

i'm not sure what happened. i guess we're too content with each other?

maybe i'm just letting my bad moods get to me, and i'm no fun to be around anymore.

god, i wish jill pate was still here. or at least, that i felt that she'd care to talk about all this.. i really need a girl friend that i can be totally honest and soul-spill-y about all this.

i guess that's partially what you're for, livejournal.

kelly and i went to a drag king show last night at necto. i invited the lawyer on a whim, even though he lives way far away.

thanks to drinking too quickly before/during the show, at like 900 we were already pretty messy, she more than me :p so we were mostly just bs-ing.

the lawyer came, but seemed indifferent to me just about the whole time.

he said he and his friends were going to leave to get food, and kelly was down, so i was down.

we wind up grabbing pizza.

it was only a little awkward.

then, after some chatting and laughing and silliness, we decide that i'm going to drop kelly off at home and drive out to see the lawyer, for another drink? not sure what for.. well, maybe some idea.

some stuff definitely went down. nothing super serious, but it was kind of fun. pretty awkward and a little uncomfortable at times, but maybe that's just because i'm me.

i thought i had figured out that he really liked me.

but the next day, today, he was still mostly indifferent. maybe he's just always indifferent? i should try to find out.

brett seems okay with it, maybe too okay.

the other day he was joking that i should hurry up and make a move so he's not the only one complicating things.

and, there's still a major difference here.

i'm not looking to replace him with the lawyer, and i don't necessarily think he's sooo great for me. it's so much less emotional.

i'm trying not to obsess, and not be upset, but it's so hard.

and i think it's mostly so sad because i am getting the feeling, i shouldn't plan on him. he's not the safe, dependable, courteous guy who needs me anymore.

as much as i am not good at relationships and long term .. whatever, i guess i always thought we'd just be it for eachother, ultimately.

sigh.

it's too hot. bye.

Aug. 2nd, 2012

when did it become august?

well, first off: the big news.

i finished school.

i finished my computer class early, a few weeks ago, and all of a sudden the grades were available on blackboard to review and the teacher curved the first test (i did the best on that one).

it appears i'll be getting an a.

i get this news monday morning, the morning i am struggling to get up and get ready to go take my math final.

i'd missed a couple of days of classes and was doing okay on quizzes but not amazing, and i definitely didn't feel totally confident in the material.

i tried to prepare all week before (didn't have a lot of hours at work), but this was the week brett was gone and i don't really have any other friends who are willing to sit down and go through books and worksheets with me.

plus, i had the thursday-sunday of hell before the test, mostly consisting of drinking, being dehydrated and hot, ypsilanti beer festival, too much work, and not enough sleep.

needless to say, perhaps, i wasn't as prepared as i could have been.

i did know a few things that would be on the test, but the teacher didn't give us a study guide..

i get to school on time, take the test, try and take my time, go home.

i make myself take a nap and by the time i wake up, i have an e-mail saying that the finals are already graded.

WTF, i got an a?!

i left some of the questions blank... i thought.

NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN.

so i will be getting a b+ in math.

i am, i guess, no longer an undergrad. holy crap.

the "now what?" is starting to set in, but it won't really until both grades are officially posted and i know i'm all set to walk and all that.

brett said it's time to look for a job, but ..

doing what?

i have such a fringe degree, i don't think i can just jump into something. i have so much research to do before i even have an idea of what i can really do now.

i'm hopefully going to be spending early monday (when i'd usually have class) at wayne state gabbing with jessica (fellow recent asian studies grad) and ernestine (who just got back from a year in china).

maybe something will come of that.

so, in other more whiny news,

i did survive the week with brett gone.

i didn't really do a whole lot. so i was probably doting on how much time we weren't spending talking.

i went over his place to see him on sunday when he got back. yeah, the day before my exam haha

we watched breaking bad.

he told me that he had kissed a friend of his while gone.

since i really don't know much about his friends or former girlfriends or whatever, it took me a while to figure out what i knew about who it was.. after having to ask him about 10 times who it was.

they were really close friends in new york, and she was the one who got him the ology job, and who likes the same music as him, and who did/does music writing and p.r. and whatever else.

i shrugged it off.

last night, i found out it was more than that.

not more physically, i guess, but certainly more emotionally. i don't think i need to go into it much more than that.

we talked, it hurt my feelings, but it's okay. that's the nature of whatever is going on with us. my feelings are and should be irrelevant to his decision-making or disclosure of said decisions.

the only thing that hurts was that he kind of said, but i felt it anyway, that if he lived in new york they'd probably be in a serious relationship..

when, if you were to backtrack even a year ago, but definitely two, he would have weaved a nice story about taking me to new york.

i really hope things work out.

time for breakfast. now that i'll have a little down-time, i'll probably be posting a little more.

Jul. 26th, 2012

blah!

i'm so bored and restless and tired and i don't know what else.. but not in the best of moods.

brett has been in new york, and it's been .. okay. i guess he must be having a good time doing a lot of stuff because i've hardly heard from him.

oh well.

now i've been sitting around since i got out of work at 2, just hoping and waiting for some kind of idea or plan to present itself. it never did.

i hate wasting free time, since i feel like i have it so rarely.

so i watched some skins and muriel's wedding, again (for like the 6th time).

last night me and jay played ABBA singstar so .. that was in my head.

ugh i miss having girl friends to whine to. this entry is pointless, but i already typed it so i'm going to post it.

if i get some studying done this weekend, and pass my math final on monday, i'll be officially done with undergrad. on monday.

holy shit.

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