so, i should be sitting here with hair dye on my head but it's too hot in the house to do that and i guess i don't really care what i look like.
on that note, though, i actually do! i went bra shopping and all my normal sizes didn't fit. and i only mean in inches around .... so frustrating.
brett and i had another conversation the other day. he was talking about being in a bad mood all day, so i decided to take him out to dinner and try and be super charming.
it kind of worked, but of course we end up on depressing conversation.
i don't even know where i stand with him anymore. i feel like our communication has been okay lately, but not .. deep enough? or something.
in any case, he asked me what i would do if i found someone who was way more perfect for me than he is.
of course, i don't have an answer.. i'd never really thought about it.
turns out, he asks me this because that's what he's found with his friend in new york.
i have to say, i'm in a really strange place about this. it's like, is he settling for me here just because he can't be with who he'd prefer to be with?
well, he doesn't know, and won't really until he get to go back.
he wants to go back one weekend before christmas.
then, he'll be able to have the best time ever with his soulmate and he'll forget all about me.
we have discussed it and think it'd be impossible for us not to remain super close friends, if not best, even if we weren't in any kind of a relationship but it's just so hard to visualize now.
like, the more he chats her up and becomes enamored with her because she's so great or because she's new the less he'll need me.
the sad thing is, for a long time i was convinced that he liked me way more than i did him, and that he needed me way more than i did him.
i'm not sure what happened. i guess we're too content with each other?
maybe i'm just letting my bad moods get to me, and i'm no fun to be around anymore.
god, i wish jill pate was still here. or at least, that i felt that she'd care to talk about all this.. i really need a girl friend that i can be totally honest and soul-spill-y about all this.
i guess that's partially what you're for, livejournal.
kelly and i went to a drag king show last night at necto. i invited the lawyer on a whim, even though he lives way far away.
thanks to drinking too quickly before/during the show, at like 900 we were already pretty messy, she more than me :p so we were mostly just bs-ing.
the lawyer came, but seemed indifferent to me just about the whole time.
he said he and his friends were going to leave to get food, and kelly was down, so i was down.
we wind up grabbing pizza.
it was only a little awkward.
then, after some chatting and laughing and silliness, we decide that i'm going to drop kelly off at home and drive out to see the lawyer, for another drink? not sure what for.. well, maybe some idea.
some stuff definitely went down. nothing super serious, but it was kind of fun. pretty awkward and a little uncomfortable at times, but maybe that's just because i'm me.
i thought i had figured out that he really liked me.
but the next day, today, he was still mostly indifferent. maybe he's just always indifferent? i should try to find out.
brett seems okay with it, maybe too okay.
the other day he was joking that i should hurry up and make a move so he's not the only one complicating things.
and, there's still a major difference here.
i'm not looking to replace him with the lawyer, and i don't necessarily think he's sooo great for me. it's so much less emotional.
i'm trying not to obsess, and not be upset, but it's so hard.
and i think it's mostly so sad because i am getting the feeling, i shouldn't plan on him. he's not the safe, dependable, courteous guy who needs me anymore.
as much as i am not good at relationships and long term .. whatever, i guess i always thought we'd just be it for eachother, ultimately.
it's too hot. bye.